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What is the meaning to this?

Marcy Elmhorst, Wisconsin, USA
June 1998

It all happened the summer of 95' and that was the summer that I had found out that my grandma had died. I never really paid much attention to it. Until June 12th I was in the kitchen eating my breakfast around 9:00am and got a really cold chill, like something was wrong. Goose bumps running up my arms by the thousands. I felt really different and sad almost like I wasn't good enough for anyone. Almost depressing. I kept on getting flashbacks of watching my grandmother die. Even though she was alone when she drowned herself. I felt like I was there and just watching her die, not getting up to help her not even shedding a tear but sting there still as ever. Then the flash backs stopped coming and I felt empty. So I said to myself "Marcy, you have to do something". I packed up some things, water and a small lunch and left my house. Not quite sure what I was doing or were I was going but I just kept on riding my bike as fast as I could. Then the flash backs started up again as I passed the place were she had killed herself. So I stopped and went by the pond and sat on a log. I could hear crying and moaning in my mind as I touched the water. It was cold and I was also. My mind could not handle all this emotion. So I just cried and thought to myself why don't I do something that would make myself happy?and maybe these little emotional spasms would go away. So I went for a little nature walk and as I walked I prayed and picked a bunch of wild flowers. Then I thought and thought about what I was going to do. After about ten minutes of pure thinking I got an Idea of what I was going to do. I was going to ride into town and go to where her grave was and talk to her. And so I did.

When I first got there I was vary scared and tense. But I finally found her grave and now I visit her about once every week or so just enough to let her know that someone still cares. When I don't get the time to she comes to visit me. It is kind of like a weird thing but I am not scared of her when she comes now but the first time I was way past scared. The first time I was in the kitchen finishing up the dishes and I felt a touch on my shoulder and it was vary gentle so I quickly turned around and I jolted backwards. I must have had a sick look on my face or else I am sure that she would have stayed longer. She looks a little bit like a piece of fog but she has a face and I can only see the top half of her. This may seem weird to others but to me it is perfectly normal. I think that it happened because she was lonely and I needed someone to care about. I am now 14 years old and my grandmother and I are best friends.

Marcy Elmhorst, Wisconsin, USA
00:00 / 01:04
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